Habits (Part 1)

"Buzzzz. Buzzzz. Buzzzz."

Jolt out of bed. Dismiss the alarm. Drag body to the bathroom. Come back. Succumb to sleep again.

"Buzzzz. Buzzzz. Buzzzz."

Turn sideways. Stick a hand out of the blanket. Switch off the alarm. Fall back into the slumber.

"Weeeeoooo. Weeeeooo."

Can't ignore this one. Siren alarm, which means it is seriously late.

Roll out of bed at 10 am. 

"Feel like brushing?"
Not really. 
"Alright, postpone."

"Feel like showering? "
Nah, it's cold.
"Alright, postpone."

Mix eight big spoons of instant coffee powder into the two litre flask with cold water.
Stuff the mouth with anything lying around the house. Wear whatever lies in sight.

Get to work.

Roam around like a zombie, taking swigs from the flask to keep awake.

"Empty?"
Refill. 
"Empty again?"
Refill again.

Back home, finally. 
More coffee.
Stay up late to work.
Browse.
Chat.
Surf.
Eat dinner.
Procrastinate.
Surf some more.

It's 3 am.

Lament.
Guilt-ridden, kill yourself some more.
Lament again.

Drift away to sleep.

 

For the longest time, since mid 2019, this has been what I went through everyday. 
Life wasn't about goals anymore, it was about me hanging between two trapezes, both smelling of coffee. Cup to cup was how I scheduled my day.

Nothing really mattered as long as I had the disgustingly delightful bitter taste on my tongue.

Work, play, ambitions, all pushed to the farthest sidelines of my consciousness.

Dark circles covering almost half of my face, my dishevelled countenance a sight to behold, I went about my day performing alright in all fields of my life.

More or less, it worked, so I let it.

It wasn't until 18 months in that I realised something was amiss.
Everything was fine, the bare minimum was still being fulfilled, people around me weren't particularly upset with me, it was alright.

There was but a little problem.

I couldn't remember where the months went by.


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